Grumped: You can glue it if you B&Q it

Ok, ok, I know it is my own fault for not going to Homebase for my Easter weekend DIY needs...

Chad and I stupidly went to B&Q (groan) so it's my own fault for getting myself covered head to toes in contact adhesive.

It is especially my own fault because it was B&Q branded adhesive (ok it was 'IT' branded which is their rubbish kitchen range but you have to give me some dramatic license here), I mean it actually had a B&Q logo on it - so I was simply asking for trouble...

I pick up a tube of glue today in the 'Orange Hell' and the tube (and it turns out every other tube of glue in that box) had a split in the top of them. I walked down the aisle and with the tube in my hand, hear a weird squirting sound, and next thing I know I look down and the tube has covered me (jacket, cardigan, jeans, shoes and bag) in fringin' glue. I was so angry that I nearly took off through the leaking prefabricated roof. Poor Chad didn't know what to do (other than look a bit scared and suggest that we get another tube!!!). Thankfully he didn't laugh as I might have started crying as there was a major excess of adrenaline in my veins at that exact point.

Anyway I get dumped at the paint counter by an assistant with some wet wipes to try and get the glue off me - which I proceed to smear deep into the fibres of my clothes. After asking TWICE I was taken off to see the manager. He was actually very nice and wrote me a letter of apology on the spot (with instructions on the dry cleaning policy followed by the clothes replacement policy).

I am gutted that I have glue on my beloved and favourite Armani jacket. I hope that it can be saved in Paradise* or otherwise B&Q face a £600 replacement bill.

Anyway I HAVE to learn from this. Stop going to The Dump and go and see the lovely people at Homebase when I have DIY needs. They may be an extra five minutes drive away but I won't end up wanting to tie bricks to my feet and jump in a reservoir after I leave.

* The lovely dry cleaners on Parkway in Camden.

New toilet heaven, B&Q hell

Pleased to report that Chad and I (plus Dave and Des the builders) managed to find a new loo that will fit - phew.

It did require us to go to B&Q as it opened at 8am, never a good place to be before you have had a cuppa. Team B&Q were their normal helpful selves! Classic this morning went like this...

Crump: 'Good morning, I wonder if you can help me'

B&Q staff member: 'Ugh' - not sure how to write the sound that a cave woman makes in the movies as she gesticulates at the fire and the lump of diplodocus flesh sizzling on it.

Crump: ‘Is the white glaze on the 'Madrid' toilet which is displayed downstairs going to match the glaze on this sink (pointing to the 'Valencia') which we already have?’

B&Q staff member who turns out to be the bathroom ‘expert’: ‘They are both white, so yes’

Crump: ‘Yes I can see that, but whites can be different. So are they going to be the same, or might there be a chance that they are different?’

B&Q: ‘They are white so they are the same’

Crump: ‘ Sorry, I don’t think I am explaining this properly. I can see that they are white, but whites can be different, they could come from a different manufacturer for example. So is there a chance that they could be different and that you would recommend me not to mix and match?’

B&Q: ‘They are white, so they are the same’

Crump: ‘Thanks for your insights’

B&Q: ‘No problem, you can do it if you B&Q it!’

OK she didn’t say the B&Q doing it bit but she may as well have done. This is why Homebase exists - to fill the oh so important void that is customer service and product knowledge in the world of DIY. Homebase might not have as much stock and different options - but the stores are clean, the stock is tidy and when you ask them a question they don't just shrug their shoulders or say 'I don't know' and walk away from you unlike their orange uniformed counterparts.

What I think is funny is that the 'You can do it of you B&Q it' TV adverts feature staff who act like they work in Homebase. I suppose it is good for a company like B&Q to be aspirational though;+)

Anyway, because of the whole white issue we bought a new 'Madrid' loo AND sink and we have to take the now redundant 'Valencia' items (which are currently residing in the lounge) back – wish us luck...

PS. I wonder what other city or region of the world will have the honour of sharing its name with a toilet suite range? B&Q already have the Toronto and the Glouchester. Having been to Valencia, Madrid, Toronto and Glouchester I cannot see the link.

PPS. Any suggestions for city / WC twinning?